How the russian nazis took Kharkiv from me

This story is also available in Ukrainian.

In this story, I would like to tell about my experience of evacuation from Kharkiv.

For me, it all started on the evening of February 23.

I remember being asked at work if everyone had a personal evacuation vehicle. I met with my leader and told him that in case of war I could not leave Kharkiv. She replied that she would put me on the evacuation list, that it was just a formality and there was no reason to panic. Although I was nervous. Of course, almost everyone thought that there would be no war, and neither did I. But everyone was quietly preparing. Then, on the way home, I withdrew several thousand hryvnias in cash, just in case, and bought some medicines, which were then lacking in the first-aid kit.

I went to bed. It was a completely ordinary evening. The average Ukrainian had nothing to worry about.

I woke up at 5:15 am on February 24 because the neighbors were shouting. I decided that something personal had happened to them and fell asleep. A few minutes later I woke up because I heard explosions outside. I thought that the trucks were making noise because I lived on the way out of Kharkiv on the road where cars leave the city. I got up to drink water, stood in the kitchen for a few minutes, and when I returned to the room, I was touched. I heard an even louder explosion. I understood that the war had begun. I went into a working chat because the day before we were told that if something happens, we will be shown the next steps in the chat. There were many unread messages in it, where my colleagues wrote that explosions were heard in different parts of the city. I sat down in a chair and couldn’t believe it, I didn’t know what to do, how to leave Kharkiv, where to go.

For the next few hours, I packed documents and various trifles in my backpack and some clothes in my bag. It was a small bag, so I collected only a few T-shirts, a pair of blankets, underwear, and a towel. Then I called my mother several times. I remember waking her up with my call. She lived in Central Ukraine and there were no explosions in the city at that time. Of course, I scared her a lot. I can’t imagine what it’s like to wake up at 5 am from the call, pick up the phone and hear: ‘Mom, we’re being shot. I think the war has started.’

At 9 o’clock I went to the vault. I remember going outside and being surprised that passers-by were just walking dogs, going somewhere slowly without bags, talking on the phone. It seemed to me that I was crazy and doing something wrong. It’s as if I have two completely different realities on my phone, where people are sounding the alarm, and outside. But I still went to the vault. The first safe place that came to mind was the basement of my apartment building. I put down my bag, looked around, and realized that I didn’t know exactly where the basement was. Then I went to the subway. On the way out of the residential area to a more crowded street, I saw long queues at shops, ATMs, and bakeries.

The subway was more restless than the street. People were already gathering there and there were no free seats. I put my things near the column and just stood for a few minutes watching the people. There were more and more of them. Then I started monitoring the news. Two hours passed quickly and I was hungry. Earlier in the morning, I could not eat because of stress. I decided to go home and ate three spoons of cake. I couldn’t take it anymore. Gathered some food and water and returned to the subway.

Then in the subway, I hoped that the company would organize the evacuation of employees without transport in a couple of hours. But the reality was that all the bus carriers with which they had transport arrangements could not guarantee a safe evacuation and refused to leave. Colleagues with personal transport left the city. They wrote in a chat about free seats in the car. I answered several times a couple of minutes after their message, but never had time: the seats were already taken. I remember feeling helpless and afraid then. Fear that I will be left here without anyone. And this situation was absolutely real because I’m not from Kharkiv and I didn’t have relatives here.

I thought about whether to go to the station where the office is located, or stay on my own, near the house. My hesitations were interrupted by the announcement that the movement of subway trains had stopped. This was unexpected for everyone because the trains stayed right at the stations. I remember being scared because it cut me off from going to the office. The movement of trains stopped at 3 p.m.

I boarded the train at the station, hoping to leave when traffic resumed. This place became mine the next day. A curfew was announced in Kharkiv from 10 pm to 6 am. That day I went out a few more times to breathe fresh air and talk on the phone because there was no communication in the subway. But I did not go further than 10 meters from the entrance. I heard the explosions and saw passing military equipment.

There were different people in the subway. There were many grandmothers, students, and parents with children. Opposite me sat a family: father, mother, 6-year-old daughter, and 3 cats. I took a photo of them.

There were a lot of people in the evening. The seat in the subway car ran out quickly. The students who came lay down at the door, right in the aisle. There was only a narrow corridor in the center of the platform, and on both sides, people were lying on blankets, rugs, or even just on their jackets. I took a photo 3 hours before curfew when not everyone got on the subway.

There was technical water in the subway, they opened a toilet. Queues in the evening were in the middle of the platform. There was a separate queue for children and the elderly. It was very difficult to fall asleep. But I did not pay attention to the noise.

I fell asleep at midnight and woke up every hour. I saw that many people did not sleep. Then he fell asleep soundly.

I woke up when there was no curfew. I decided that I needed to go home and check the situation. The calm on the street that I wrote about at the beginning has disappeared. I didn’t seem to be walking around Kharkiv.

Everything was quiet in the apartment. I was able to charge the phone. I had breakfast. I was very bored, I couldn’t eat more than last time. The food I was taking with me started to spoil and that worried me. I didn’t know how long I would have to stretch it.

I decided to go to bed at home. I asked my mother to call me if the news reported that something extraordinary had happened nearby. I left the sound and turned it on in the necessary chats. The phone rang every 10 minutes, it was very difficult for me to sleep, sleep was like torture. In a few hours, I returned to the subway.

Of course, someone took my place in the subway car, so I sat on the floor almost in the center of the platform. People were constantly walking past me and touching my legs. But then I didn’t care. This was the first time I was hysteric. I just looked at one point and cried. I couldn’t stop it. I felt helpless. I remember the policemen passing by, I remember catching the eye of one of them. He looked sympathetically, I realized that now everyone around me is in the same situation and no one can help me.

Afterward, I went out to talk on the phone, but I didn’t dare go outside. I walked onto the platform and realized that there were even more people than yesterday. When I returned to my blanket, I heard someone ask, “Do you speak English?” I approached the man and asked what I could do to help. This was the first contact with strangers in more than a day. The man said that he was a journalist from Austria, who asked to report anonymously about the situation for a newspaper. I was wary and almost walked away when he emphasized that he would not make any recordings or ask to be introduced. I was asked how I woke up, why I came to the subway, what with my family and what my plans are. I told, though cautiously.

The evacuation of people by trains began that day. Priority was given to women, people with children, people with limited mobility, and foreign students. I understood that I would not get on the train.

Then my day did not deserve any attention. I just lay there watching people and reading the news. The night passed more calmly for me, maybe I started to get used to the situation a bit.

In the morning I went home again. I didn’t dare to sleep there. The news reported that the russians were already around the Kharkiv bypass road. I lived near the nearest metro station to it. I almost ran home.

Breakfast was awful. I was sitting in the house with the curtains closed because it was recommended in the news. It sealed the windows crosswise. My house, where I lived for a year and a half, has never seemed so repulsive to me. As if it was not mine, it had already been taken away.

While having breakfast, I decided to call a taxi to the train station. When I got there, I settled down and called my mother. There was good news — on the way I was told that the company had found a carrier who agreed to take us out of Kharkiv. I was waiting for the following instructions.

In a few hours, I was told that I could come to the office. On the way to the taxi, I shot a video. Explosions can be heard on it. This is just a random moment on the third day of the war in Kharkiv.

When I arrived at the office, I was relieved. I was no longer alone, I felt the chance to evacuate. I was finally able to wash and shave and change my clothes. I felt like a human. It was as if I had washed away all this shock.

We were shown a shelter where to run in case of alarm, but we were on the -1 floor. Climbing to higher floors was forbidden, and turning on the lights — even more so. I went to my place in the office and took my laptop with my personal belongings.

I slept again on a blanket on the floor. Seats on the sofas were left for children and women.

The next day my acquaintances began to arrive. At first, it was a little easier for me, because there were people I knew nearby.

In the evening, one of my supervisors wrote that when they were driving, they heard the command “Everyone hide!” He grabbed the child and ran into the woods. He heard shots from machine guns. People from another car called them to the ravine. A minute later the shootings ended and they were ordered to leave quickly. There was a car on the roadside, the military took someone out of it and shouted: “Ambulance!”

This story was especially difficult for me to read. It touched me a lot. I started to panic. My colleague, who was also involved in our evacuation, called to me. We talked for an hour and a half. He said he was as pessimistic as I was. He also considers the worst scenarios when he thinks of war. Then everyone was nervous, the situation in the room was difficult. Everyone has been waiting for a safe corridor for more than a day. There were many children.

The next day we were told that there was a high probability of leaving Kharkiv. And so it happened. In the afternoon we waited for the bus and were able to leave Kharkiv. It was really scary to go. Then the story spread in the news that russians shot a bus with children and civilian cars.

We arrived in Central Ukraine and our bus broke down at 7 pm. The curfew was from 10 pm. We informed the police about the situation, and they came and guarded us. The bus was repaired on the spot. Around 12 am we were told that people living nearby would take us by car to a restaurant where we would be sheltered. In the photo — how we slept in a restaurant.

At 2 am., we were taken to a military hospital. There we were sheltered for the night while the bus was being repaired because the problem has not been solved yet. There were excellent conditions: shower, toilet, single bed, dining room with food. The nurses fed us sandwiches at night. 3 people slept in each ward, although we were ready to sleep at 10 on the floor… In the morning there was a hearty breakfast. At lunch, we were treated to a cake.

In the photo — we gathered in the morning after breakfast.

At noon the bus was repaired and we continued to go. The road was short, we drove like 100 km and the bus broke down again. We stopped in a small town, where we slept in the gym on mattresses for jumping. The food was tea with cookies. But we were able to make sandwiches from personal stocks. It was very cold there and I got sick for the next 2 weeks.

The next day we left at the end of the curfew.

At 10 pm we reached our destination. I will not name the city for security reasons. It is located in Western Ukraine. We spent the night at the hotel.

The road was very difficult, especially for the organizers. They did not sleep at night, organizing our road, repairing the bus, arranging places to spend the night.

Anastasia, Volodymyr, Eugene, Victor, Iryna, Nikita, Dmytro, and all others who took part in the organization of our evacuation, I thank you very much and give you my warm hugs. I am honored to work with you 💛

Then we moved on to acquaintances who sheltered us. Oksana and Oleg took us in for almost a month, feeding us every day like their children. Treated, because we all caught a cold. Then they got sick too. They also helped several other families, resettled people, and looked elsewhere. Thank you very much for your kindness, willingness to shelter strangers, and open heart 💙

The first tour of the city was unsuccessful. When I was in the center of the city, I remembered my Kharkiv. I was in a lot of pain. I cried in the middle of the city and tried to make sure no one saw it. The whole last day was very gloomy for me.

A few days later I went to the store alone. For the first time since the beginning of the war. I looked at the counters and remembered that I once had a past life. I felt sick again.

I’m better now. Sometimes I remember my past life and depression starts right away. I start crying. The psychologist says that crying is normal now, but I feel ashamed.

But my shame is not comparable to the anger I feel towards russians. I have several acquaintances from russia. None of them wrote to me. It hurts me that I talked to people, we shared our thoughts and experiences. But no one asked if I was safe, if I needed help, or if I didn’t want to just talk.

Absolutely basic things have become very strange. I cry because I am not at home, that I want to go to my Kharkiv, that I do not know when I will be able to return to where my youth was, where my closest friends were, my office.

I was not born in Kharkiv, but this is the city I consider my own. I want to live in my house and walk my streets, but I was deprived of such an opportunity. My Kharkiv was taken away from me. My youth was taken away from me. I no longer feel like a person who can buy something and enjoy or enjoy everyday life. I don’t know when I will be able to return to my life.

As I wrote this story, I seemed to be unlocking my memories, which I hid in a box. During the few hours I wrote this story, I cried 5 times. Now in this city, I have abstracted from the past. I try not to mention anything about my past life. I’m like in a bubble, like my life started when I was here.

In the photo: my beautiful Kharkiv in the summer of 2021.

I thank everyone who supports me, who calls, writes. Now it is very important for everyone who is in Ukraine. I thank the people who are helping the Armed Forces of Ukraine. I believe that now we either believe 100% in Victory, in our Troops and Leadership, or betray our Motherland.

We will win, it can’t be otherwise. Glory to Ukraine!